I'm currently listening to When I look at the World by U2, which is currently my favorite song. Moreover, this song makes me feel... peaceful? I don't know how to explain it. My life currently revolves around: music, tennis, schoolwork, reading, and movies... not too shabby ya? But I'm missing that human connection, the deep connection you get when your surrounded by those you care about. Not to say I'm unhappy because I'm not, I'm quite content actually. I feel like I'm coming out of a long stretch of being buried in a tunnel and emerging into the open air.
Just some thoughts I've been having: true strength is not present in the ability to grasp something and hold on to it with everything you have. I have believed this for a long time, but its just not accurate. This strength is really demonstarted in the ability to let go of events, experiences, people, and things. I am by nature an extremely hopeful and optimistic person; but as I get older a tone of realism creeps into my belief system that tempers my imagination. This is both good and bad. I have always believed in the power to create and manifest the things you want most in life, and I still do. BUT, you do not create and manifest specifics. You create and manifest the concept, and life fills that concept in for you.
As a result, what is life's experience truly about? It is about growing, learning, and loving on one hand. It is also about experiencing hurt, loss, and pain on the other. We all love things that are not destined to last forever, including ourselves. For myself, I am really discouraged and tired of losing the things I love, but I'm sure everyone feels this way, no one has the pleasure of gaining and holding everything they lose in their life forever. Another aspect of this is loving yourself, which for some reason so many people struggle to do. And if you do not love yourself, life is not nearly what it could be. This is not to say to be a narcissist or egotist, but to be confident and at peace with who you are: emotionally, mentally, physically. All in all, everything is about balance. I used to know this to my soul, and it seems I have forgotten it for so long.
Bottom line is, I care/feel/love TOO hard, TOO strongly, and TOO intensely for my life situation. People are not ready for this at this stage in their life. For some reason, I am not afraid of these feelings, but I really am in the minority. It isn't even about thinking long-term or jumping into something, its just that when I feel for someone, I let everything else go. I used to always think this was a great quality, and it is on some level, but for this society and this timeframe and age, it isn't. Its a one way ticket to getting hurt, yet I haven't changed my action. So either I am a lot stronger mentally/emotionally than most people or a lot stupider... hmm... However, I think it really is time to change.. Like I already said, having the ability to let go is true strength and this includes letting go of your past and parts of who you are. I guess I feel sorry for people who fear love and deep emotions, because they don't know what they are potentially missing out on, but everyone has to find it on their own. At any rate, this is basically a compilation of my last 2 months of thinking, but its taken until now to have enough of an outside perspective to put it down.
Anyways... went out last night with some friends in Temecula.. had a fun time down there. I graduate in 6 days, which I can't wait for. I have been playing a ton of tennis, thank god. Its become my outlet, instead of coaching, my aggression goes out through tennis. Federer lost in a final today which sucks. OH, the WORLD CUP is on!! US battled England to a tie yesterday, which is huge for us. I think we have a legitimate shot of making it to the round of 16.
Have a great day everyone.
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